Some real corny jokes!

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  GSPmad 11 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #61608

    Anonymous

    ;D ;D

    Phone answering machine message
    >
    >          “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for
    >          shorts.
    >          The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
    >          couldn’t find any.
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that
    >          he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
    >          And he said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a
    >          strong currant.
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
    >          shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
    >          The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in
    >          the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have
    >          your kayak and heat it too.
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van
    >          covered with hundreds and thousands.
    >          Police say that he topped himself.
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
    >          Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >            “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
    >            “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. “
    >            “Is it common? “
    >            “It’s not unusual.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    >          “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “
    >            “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
    >          So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
    >          teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
    >          “What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “
    >          “No, because he’s really heavy”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          Guy goes into the doctor’s.
    >          “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
    >          “How’s that?”
    >          “Don’t you start.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    >          A fsh.
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
    >          people in my family, so there must be one of them. It’s could be
    > my
    >          mum or my dad. It could be my older brother Colin or my younger
    >          brother Ho-Chi-Chung. I’m not sure, but I think it might be
    > Deane…
    >
    > ——————————————————————-
    >          So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can
    >          you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s
    >          your oyster, go for it.’
    >
    > ——————————————————————–
    >          >
    > ——————————————————————–
    >          Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
    >          acid, the other was eating fireworks.
    >          They charged one and let the other one off.
    >
    > ——————————————————————–
    >          “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
    >          today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
    >          It said, ‘Parking Fine.’……..So that was nice.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————–
    >          A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in
    >          several places”
    >          The doctor said, “Well don’t go there any more”
    >
    > ——————————————————————–
    >          Ireland ‘s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
    >          small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
    > search
    >          and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect
    >          that number to climb as digging continues into the
    > night………
    >

    #113552

    *Lassie*
    Member

    Love the last one ;D ;D >:D

    #113553

    Anonymous

    ;D ;D ;D

    #113554

    brillaint i like ‘easy’ jokes – i get them  😀 well except the cricket one and i KNOW we been here before and i didnt understand it then but cant remember wha the explanation was  😀

    #113555

    *Nat*
    Member

    ;D  ;D  ;D

    #113556

    xtine
    Member

    😀 they were good  ;D

    #113557

    GSPmad
    Member

    doctor doctor i’ve only got 59 seconds to live

    wait a minute please

    #113558

    GSPmad
    Member

    two fish in a tank.

    one said to the other ‘do you know how to drive this thing?’

    #113559

    GSPmad
    Member

    my dog’s bone idle.

    is he?

    yesterday i was watering the garden and he wouldn’t lift a leg to help me.

    #113560

    GSPmad
    Member

    [quote author=jaydex link=topic=11897.msg227564#msg227564 date=1214842470]
    > ——————————————————————–
    >           “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
    >           today. They left a little note on the windscreen.
    >           It said, ‘Parking Fine.’……..So that was nice.”
    >
    > ——————————————————————–
    [/quote]

    and that actually sounds like the sort of thing my great aunt would say.  :-X  😀

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